G.K. Chesterton: “Exactly what does breed insanity is reason. Poets do not go mad; but chess-players do. Mathematicians go mad, and cashiers; but creative artists very seldom. I am not, as will be seen, in any sense attacking logic: I only say that this danger does lie in logic, not in imagination.” (Orthodoxy)

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Thank goodness for road rage, junk food, and Jesus

I'm starting to develop road rage. I never understood why people felt the need to flip a rude gesture or scream in frustration while driving but the fog has begun to lift. I drive nearly an hour and 1/2 everyday to work (one way). It's suppose to be only a 50ish minute drive but with the traffic through the tunnels it takes an extra 40 minutes of what I call "mind-numbing-radio-blaring-people-cutting-me-off-and-cutting-in-line-huge-buses-being-pushy-rainy-break-light-hell".

I started off this commute with a pretty pleasant attitude. "Its only until July", "Some days traffic is lighter", "If I want to live in Quip and have an awesome service position I have to do this"...these are the thoughts from the early days of the commute. I let people in front of me, I quietly accepted stupid drivers, I laughed at stopped traffic, I left early to beat the rush and I sang and danced along with the radio.

Those thoughts quickly turned into these..."I'm only going to let a couple of people in front of me today", "I wish people would stop breaking in the tunnels", "Ah, why did that guy DO THAT...oh well maybe he was late for work". At this point I was less pleasant but still singing to the radio, shrugging at bad driving, and considering an apartment closer to the city.

>>>fast forward to today>>> "AH WHY IS THAT GUY AN IDIOT", "I CAN'T SEE YOU TRYING TO CUT IN FRONT OF ME...I CAN ONLY SEE THE BUMPER OF THE GUY IN FRONT OF ME!", "RAIN! WHY DOES IT ALWAYS RAIN HERE!?!?!", "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!". Lets just say today's drive wasn't pleasant. A small ball of anger started welling up inside of me and suddenly I just began SCREAMING in my car. The screams that came out of me where like that of a dying animal. It just erupted. And then I began to sob.


Life is frustrating.


It wasn't just the traffic that caused what I call a "mental meltdown" but it's also the apartment to take care of, the bills that I never seem to have enough money to cover, the time I never seem to have, the lack of sleep, the lack of heat in my car, the bad weather, the leaky facet in the bathroom, the messed up social welfare system, the stress of trying to get my AmeriCorps hours in, missing my grandpa, missing my family, the stress of maintaining friendships, the occasional loneliness, the monotonous of life's routines, the people that seem to have it all together...to cut this short it's a lot of things.

But I have an incredibly great life. And I was ashamed of crying because of all the great things I have, I was ashamed because it's Christmas and I'm suppose to be filled with joy, I'm ashamed because others (like the homeless guy on 376) have it much, much, much worse. I tried to wipe my eyes before I went in my apartment. I didn't want to admit to my housemates that life just is wearing me out.

Now that I have some time to calm down I'm feeling much better (the Oreos and milk helped). And I decided to admit to my weariness on here because I decided that I shouldn't be ashamed of this. I shouldn't dwell in it for long but I shouldn't be ashamed of it. I'm just a human being and I'm bound to melt down sometimes. I suppose that's why God gave us friends, family, junk food and Jesus. And I'm thankful that he did because otherwise these meltdowns would happen by the hour.

Life is infuriating but life is incredibly good.



Enter, breath; Breath, slip out; Blood, be channeled, And wind about. O, blessed breath and blood which strive To keep this body of mine alive! O gallant breath and blood Which choose To wage the battle They must lose. -ogden nash