G.K. Chesterton: “Exactly what does breed insanity is reason. Poets do not go mad; but chess-players do. Mathematicians go mad, and cashiers; but creative artists very seldom. I am not, as will be seen, in any sense attacking logic: I only say that this danger does lie in logic, not in imagination.” (Orthodoxy)

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Grief Letter

7 Months

Hello friends,

Today marks the 7th month mark of losing mom. I'm sorry if I have been silent about my grief. So many of you have done lovely tributes, shared memories, and have prayed for my sisters, my brothers, my dad, and myself. So many times I wanted to say "thank you" or comment on on a post but I haven't. I check mom's Facebook page like every other day. Sometimes I just scroll though pictures of her because I need something to remember. We know that you love us and yet often we have remained silent. At first it was just too painful . I'm sure you could all see it. But as the time passed and life happened I stopped showing it on my sleeve. And I understand, life kept happening to everyone. Terrible things may have occurred in your life as well. I suffer alone so much of the time. The nature of grief is loneliness because something living, breathing, laughing is torn from you-they just no longer exists in a tangible sense. But to me the wound is still bleeding, no longer gushing but not yet clotted. Most nights I still find myself crying myself into my slumber and into my dreams.

I'm not writing this to get your sympathy or even your attention. I'm writing this because I desperately needed to let it go, let it out. My grief book recommends that you put it in a letter and distribute it but I feel like that is too awkward and too personal. But I needed to put it out there because my sadness isn't something that is going away-its a part of me for now. It has settled like a dust in my lungs, in my heart, in my brain and through pressure and time it is becoming a shell. For now I'm leaving it there.

It has been seven months and this girl misses her mama.